Time of Death

A semi-farce

By: Josh Martin

Scene 1: Death and Genesis

(Death and John are standing in a space. The director can choose how John dies.)

DEATH

Forget it.

JOHN

Wait, what?

DEATH

(looks at John, pause)

Just, forget it.

JOHN

No really. What’s happening?

DEATH

Why are you trying to be nice to me? You’ll be dead in a minute.

JOHN

I don’t know. You look down.

(Death stares at John.)

From what I can tell, anyway. I didn’t even know Death could feel.

DEATH

Of course I feel. What do you think I do? Just sit around in a dark room waiting for people to die?

JOHN

Well honestly… Yes.

DEATH

See, that’s the problem with you people. You don’t take Death personally. We follow you around. Take a look around you.

JOHN

(John looks, goes outside, comes back)

Nothing’s moving. It’s like time has stopped.

DEATH

Well, yes and no. You see, time has stopped for you. You only. (under his breath) This is the part I hate. (full voice) JOHN, I AM DEATH. HERE TO TAKE YOU ON LIFE’S FINAL JOURNEY, LEADING YOU TO FACE YOUR JUDGEMENT.

JOHN

(pause)

What? You mean I’m…

DEATH

Dead John, yes. You are dead.

JOHN

But there was no scythe, no flash, no scariness.

DEATH

That’s because there is no scythe, no flash, no scariness. That little speech wasn’t good enough for you?

JOHN

Well, no. I’ve had to wait my entire life for this?

DEATH

(Death quickly goes offstage, comes back with a duffle bag. Takes out an old flash camera. Goes to John, flicks his forehead, takes his picture, then yells:)

Boo!

JOHN

(pause)

You flicked my forehead?

DEATH

It was all I could think of. I didn’t have a scythe.

JOHN

Yeah, but… you flicked my forehead.

DEATH

I don’t know what to tell ya.

JOHN

Why no scythe? You’re Death

DEATH

I’m not a cliché, John. I don’t walk around with a scythe in one hand and pointing at people with the other.

JOHN

(pause)

Well, I must say, this is disappointing.

DEATH

Disappointing? You’re dead John. C’mon, let’s go.

JOHN

(pause)

No.

DEATH

What?

JOHN

I don’t want to go.

DEATH

Don’t test me John. I am Death.

JOHN

What more leverage do you have over me? I’m already dead.

DEATH

Fine, just stay here. Go have fun.

(turns away from John)

Time has stopped, so you can do whatever you want.

(turns back toward John)

But let me warn you…

(realizes John has already run off)

Aw man… I don’t have time for this.

BLACKOUT

Scene 2: Death and Philosophy

(John is “outside”, frozen people positioned in strange ways. John is finishing a pose of a couple.)

JOHN

(laughing, steps back to look at it)

Yes, but is it art?

(pause)

Man, I’m bored. (to audience) I haven’t even been here that long and this is what I resort to doing. I gotta say, being dead isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was expecting, well, something to happen. I’m also very disappointed with Death. That guy was a total joke.

(looks off)

Great… He’s following me.

DEATH

(entering, wearing Bermuda shorts, high socks with sandals, Hawaiian shirt, and a large hat.. He also carries the bag from the first scene)

John, really. Stop messing around. We’re late.

JOHN

Where’s your robe?

DEATH

In my bag. I’m going on vacation when I’m done with you and I have a plane to catch.

JOHN

Why catch a plane? Can’t you just teleport or something?

DEATH

Well, when I officially go one vacation, I, in layman’s terms, lose my power.

JOHN

(to audience)

This guy is really starting to not make sense.

DEATH

Who are you talking to?

JOHN

I’m playing to the audience.

DEATH

What?

JOHN

Look. See those people out there? They watch what happens to us.

DEATH

Only to us?

JOHN

Mostly. I don’t know yet.

DEATH

Oh. I see.

(pause)

I AM DEATH. HERE TO TAKE YOU…

JOHN

Hey hey, they’re not actually a part of our lives. We have no effect on them, and they have no effect on us.

DEATH

Oh. (to audience) Sorry.

JOHN

Okay… So where were we?

DEATH

Um… I don’t remember.

JOHN

Oh.

(pause)

Okay.

(long pause)

Wait! Okay, you’re going on vacation.

DEATH

(suddenly remembers) Right. Yeah, um, see… When I officially go on vacation, I relinquish my powers to someone else.

JOHN

Who gets them?

DEATH

I’m not sure. I’ve never actually gone on vacation before.

JOHN

Oh, alright.

(pause)

Where are you going?

DEATH

Acapulco.

JOHN

Acapulco.

DEATH

Yeah, I’ve always wanted to go there.

JOHN

You’ve never been?

DEATH

Nope. It’s always one of the other guys.

JOHN

What other guys?

DEATH

I’ve mentioned this before. There’s more than one Death.

JOHN

Is that why you’re able to be here now?

DEATH

No. I’m here because there is no now. I’m outside of time.

(John looks at Death, confused)

Alright.

(Death takes a big stack of paper from his bag)

Imagine each piece of paper is one dimension. Now, you’re spirit, or soul, moves through each dimension. That’s what time is to you. You’re perception of dimensions.

JOHN

So my spirit stops when I die?

DEATH

Right, then we are there to take you.

JOHN

Where?

DEATH

(pause)

I don’t know. We take you to the last dimension, then we’re gone.

JOHN

So how’d you become one of these guys?

DEATH

I was chosen, near the beginning of time.

JOHN

What was before time?

DEATH

I don’t know. I was human, so I wasn’t around then. Why do you ask so many questions?

JOHN

Well, this really isn’t making any sense.

DEATH

It’s not supposed to. Nothing will ever make sense, like why I have a large stack of paper in my bag. So try not to think about it.

(to audience)

That goes for you too.

JOHN

So why haven’t we gone yet?

DEATH

Because you ran off, remember?

JOHN

Well, what if I don’t let you take me anywhere?

DEATH

No one’s ever really refused to go.

JOHN

Well then, I refuse. So what’re you gonna do now?

DEATH

I’ll just have to make you come with me.

(pause, Death has a new idea)

Unless…

JOHN

Unless what?

DEATH

What if you became my sub? Do my job for a little while?

JOHN

I wouldn’t know what to do.

DEATH
Oh, it’ll be easy.

(Death grabs cloak out of bag)

Here, put this on.

(Death starts putting the cloak on John, for whom the cloak is much too large.)

When you have to kill someone, the portals will open and just follow your portals all the way through.

(sees audience)

Oh wait. What do we do about them? Who will they follow?

JOHN

I’m not sure. Maybe both of us. We may need to go split screen on this one.

(Some guys bring in a large divider to C. Death stares at it.)

Thanks guys.

DEATH

What’s that?

JOHN

Split screen mode. Don’t you ever watch movies? Now they get both stories.

(Scroll drops from sky)

What’s this?

DEATH

You’re first assignment. Good luck, young Padowan. May the force be with you.

JOHN

Uh.. and also with you… ?

DEATH

(exiting, sighs)

Methodists….

JOHN

Okay…

(reads scroll)

James Herkowitz. Off to Brooklyn I go.

BLACKOUT